"Do I look like a leaning post?"

Foals / Wild Beasts / Maps & Atlases gig @ Rock City; 30.09.08

So really; there is no need in the world for someone to be leaning on me while we wait for the first band to come on. I am completely aware of the fact that I am short, but still.. don't. I understand that the 30 minutes of making our you did with your girlfriend right next to me has probably worn you out to some extent, but that isn't an excuse. Y'see, I'm likely to elbow you right in the ribs, and guess what; you're not going to find it funny! But do I care? To be honest, no. I'm a nice person, I understand that we're all here for the same reason, we all want to have space etc, but it's a gig. For the next 3 hours, you're going to be breathing everyone else's air, smelling their BO and be covered in their beer, but if you lean on me; I will hurt you. Oh and by the way; have you realised every other guy in this place (and half the girls) are wearing the same checkered shirt as you are? No? I'm sorry, did you think you were being original? You're not.

To the guy who thought he was amazing because he could move through a crowd well by proudly pro-claiming his use of the "slide and twist" manouvere, you're nothing special. Do you know why? Because there was around a metre of space for you to move into. I don't mind you being there (though if you do mock my dancing, my foot just might connect with your bollocks) but don't attempt to "big yourself up" in front of your probably 12 year old girlfriend because you can walk into a space. None of us think you are cool, and we actually find it rather funny when you fall over. Even funnier when some guy spills beer over your "that's my £25 Abercrombie & Fitch tee-shirt mayte". It's a gig; dress for it. And the same goes to your girlfriend, who looks like she's wearing her mum's tee shirt, spent 14 hours perfecting her make-up and is wearing heels that are longer in inches than she is old.

So kids; get it right when you're going to gigs. Because the crowd are going to hate you, and believe me; the formation of a mosh pit right behind you is the perfect excuse to hurt you :)

...And writing your myspace URL on the wall outside does not mean you will get laid tonight.

'Kay thank you.